Don't Make an Empath and a Human Shield Mad
by Chibi-Kari
Summary: Post New Moon. Is possible to take revenge in a house with no secrets? Jasper/Bella friendship.
1. Chapter 1

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Chibi-Kari: I've been playing around with this story for weeks, not sure if I should post it. But I really like the idea of it so I just couldn't stop myself. I hope someone gets a little enjoyment out of it! And obviously I don't own because we all know Stephanie writes a million times better than I do. Also I know a little of it has been done before…but really, I couldn't care less. Enjoy!

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**Don't Make an Empath and a Human Shield Mad**

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Edward and Alice had left to go hunting about 30 minutes ago. They would be back in maybe another 30 minutes because they said local. Local to them was probably just outside of Canada. I reached my hand up through my hair trying to push it out of my face, not that I needed to do that for any particular reason, it wasn't like my hair would ever impair me. I was just uncomfortable with Bella in the same room. Granted everyone else was home and I knew I wouldn't slip up…unless she cut herself again. But I should be good otherwise. Emmett and I had gone hunting earlier that day. I was still a little disappointed that Edward went with my wife leaving his girlfriend, fiancé…whatever, in a house full of vampires. But none of these were the reasons I felt uncomfortable. No, I felt uncomfortable because I could still feel it. Feel the pain that Edward had left her with. Sure she was no longer in pain; pain actually isn't even a good word for it…agony. Agony like that leaves a shadow. I could still feel it, all because I had charged at her on her birthday. I would make it up to her one day, one day when she was my sister and I wasn't tempted to bite her when I was within a ten feet radius.

I sighed deeply as I heard Rosalie spout out another comment towards Bella. The jealousy rolling off Rosalie just about made me want to smack the girl. I mean seriously, humanity sucks…not that I remember it too well, and Alice and the Cullens are really the only fond memories of my vampire life. But really, Rosalie was getting ridiculous. Her spouts of jealousy, vanity, anger, and lust, God the lust towards Emmett about kills me, were starting to piss me off. That girl needs to get her emotions under control. She was worse than a high school girl PMSing. I felt Bella's anger spike as she started to stomp from the family room towards the kitchen where I was. I could hear Esme trying to calm the situation down. Normally I would help with this but really right now all I wanted was Alice.

I could hear Bella continue to the door before stopping and looking at me. She stood there for what must have been considered normal for a human before humor and mischief spiked in her emotions. I heard her walk quickly towards the pad of paper and pencil that Emmett had left on the table, before she came right up to the counter and scooted her chair right next to me. I glanced over quickly, caught off guard and a little frightened to be in this close of a proximity to her. I mean I didn't think I'd kill her, but you never know. Edward would kill me if she died. Literally, Edward's wrath would be worse than the southern wars. She just met my eyes and smiled a big smile before writing on the paper in front of her and angling it so I could read it.

_Can you feel Edward and Alice approaching yet?_

I started to open my mouth to answer her, but instead she pulled out a pen and handed it to me shaking her head.

_No…_

_So that means Edward can't hear your thoughts, right?_

_Yeah, I guess. I'd hear him before he got that close. Why?_ I was starting to get curious to what she wanted now.

_Well don't think about this just in case._ Now that one really caught my attention.

_What is this?_

_Rosalie seriously pisses me off. I mean I've done nothing to her and she acts like a bitch to me. I know it is all difficult for her and such, but really…this is excessive._

I sighed. _Yeah, she's been getting really out of control lately. I've been getting annoyed with her._

_Perfect!_

"Huh?" I let out accidentally. Her eyes widened glancing towards the door and then back to me glaring.

_Sorry. Why is that perfect?_

_I was just thinking you could give me a little help. See I want to get back at Rosalie just a little bit. Maybe knock her down a peg or two._

_She'd kill you. And that's impossible; Edward and Alice would stop you…or blow the cover._

_No they wouldn't._ Now she lost me. How could you keep a clairvoyant and a mind reader out of the loop? _I have a plan. Alice can only see if we decide to do this. Edward can't read my mind and you can block him, right?_

_Yes…but I could slip._

_I don't think you will._

That confidence in me was the last thing to sway me over. I would at least listen to her. And listen I did. It was perfect, if I decided to help that is. Bella grabbed the note and walked over to the stove with some eggs and a skillet in hand. She lit the flame and put the note in it before quickly covering it with the skillet and breaking open an egg. That was perfect strategy. Cover the smell of burning paper with the smell of the eggs. She could easily say it was something else that got caught in the burner. It was genius. As soon as the egg hit he skillet Esme was standing next to me.

"Oh Bella! I forgot how often you needed to eat. I could have made something for you or ordered in!" She rang her hands as she glanced around the kitchen at a loss for what to do.

"Don't worry about it. I don't mind cooking myself a little something to eat. It's best not to let someone get too spoiled you know." Her eyes met mine briefly and I had to fight from smiling at the two sided comment. Man Edward picked a good one. When she was turned we would get along well. I could just see it now.

I froze slightly as I felt Alice and Edward start to come closer. I let my mind wander to seeing my beautiful Alice again, it was a great distraction. As long as Edward didn't read it on my mind it would be perfect. And as long as we didn't have any set decisions in mind Alice would never see it coming and she didn't tend to look into Rosalie's future. Really, like I said before…genius.

It was five days later when the plan finally came into action. Bella was over at the house once again. I could hear her from the bathroom as I finished wiping my hair on a towel. Carlise was telling her one of his stories. She seemed to really love them and Edward loved to watch her enjoy things. I'll I could feel was happiness rolling from the living room, except for the irritation Rosalie was sending my way because she had wanted to shower but I was taking too long. Rosalie was the only one, vampire or human, that thought a shower over a minute was too long. That's what caused me to do it. I was sick of her pacing; it was starting to drive me crazy. But like Bella's plan, it could go either way. It was all up to Rosalie now.

I smiled brightly as I pushed past her and ran down to join the family around Carlile. Alice smiled brightly back at me as I wrapped an arm around her. I glanced up at Bella and smiled. She caught on quickly and beamed at me. It was then that we all heard it. The scream was bloodcurdling. Emmett almost jumped up to rush and see what happened to Rosalie, but she was already standing there.

Bella glanced up and smiled at Rosalie, "Wow, Rosalie. I don't think blue hair is a good look for you." She and I broke down in laughter as we high-fived. After the initial shock died down the rest joined us. Emmett laughed the hardest before Rosalie glared at him, but it started back up in a second.

"Oh come on, Rose. It's good! You have to admit it's a good one!" He gaffed as he looked at his wife.

Rosalie stomped off glancing over her shoulder at us. "Shut up, Emmett."

I just laughed harder.

"Wha-how? When? I didn't…" Alice seemed at a loss as the laughter died down. She glanced at Edward, "Did you know about this?"

Edward just shook his head glancing around at all of us, "No. I had no idea. Who?"

Bella and I beamed at each other. She leaned forward and smiled towards me as I smiled back, "We make a good team."

It was that moment I realized we could get anyone in this house. It just shows you shouldn't piss of an empath and a human that can't be read…results are not predictable.

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**Chibi-Kari: Please review and give me some input. I know the writing was a bit awkward. It's been a few months since I've written anything…major writers block! Thanks for reading!**

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	2. Chapter 2

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Chibi-Kari: Due to popular demand I've decided to add this other bit to DMEHSM! Enjoy everyone! I don't own and I don't think it's quite as good as the original, but it has its own good qualities.

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**Don't Make an Empath and a Human Shield Mad**

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Edward laughed slightly, "Good one, Jasper! How did you do it without us seeing?"

I smiled slightly as Alice snuck under my arm, "Well it was almost all Bella's doing."

Edward blinked slightly before looking over at his girlfriend. I could feel shock and disbelief rolling off him. Didn't he just hear when I said that she and I made a good team? He looked up at me, "Yes I did hear you say that. But…Bella what part did you have in all this?"

I was sure in that moment her eyes widened farther than humanly acceptable, it was a little unnerving. "I made the plan. I had just as much to do with it as Jasper." She gestured to me slightly as she turned her wide eyes up to meet mine.

Alice scoffed slightly, "Come on, Bella. Humans aren't fast enough to prank a vampire. I think it's nice that you and Jasper feel the need to become friends like this, but really…let Jasper take his credit. I didn't see you do anything and I watch you closely!" Alice smiled up at me brightly.

I blinked several times as I looked slowly between Alice, Edward, and Bella. They didn't believe that a human could prank a vampire? My jaw worked its way back into working order as I got my words in order, "I can guarantee that Bella was the one that came up with the whole plan. It was the night you two went hunting. Bella is being too generous with the credit she's giving me. Alice, you probably didn't see anything because nothing we did seemed out of the ordinary."

Bella nodded slightly as she poked a laughing Edward in the chest lightly, as to not break her finger, "Jasper and I could prank any vampire in this house!" I nodded in agreement with her.

Edward tried to stifle his laughter as he looked over at Alice. She nodded at him, "Okay. You two try to prank us and we'll watch out for it. Better yet, we'll try to prank you back."

This was dangerous territory. No doubt Bella and I could get Edward and Alice, but fighting against them when they were trying to prank us. That sounded like a bad idea. Alice could just look into the future as they came up with plans for one that worked and Edward could actively check my mind for suspicion. Fighting a prank war against a seer and a mind reader wasn't my idea of a good idea.

"It's on!" Her brown eyes met my slightly panicked ones, "But I do have a condition."

"What?" Alice asked, her eyes shining. I'm sure my little pixie had already seen this part of the conversation.

"No special vampire abilities. No future seeing and no mind reading in offence. You are free to use it in defense. Same applies to Jasper." I had no idea where she was going with this. It did even the playing field a bit.

"No forbidding us from using vampire speed?" Edward's eyebrow rose impossibly towards his hairline.

"Nope. Go ahead and use those. I mean there needs to be a handicap for you guys to have a chance to win." Bella smiled brightly as she looked up at me. Her confidence surged through me. I believed everything she was saying.

"Agreed!" Alice pulled away from me and bounced over to Edward, "One day is the time limit. We have until tomorrow night! And we only get one shot. If your prank is compromised that's it. And nothing mean. I don't want all my clothes burned or hair died."

I nodded slightly, a bit of a disadvantage, but Bella and I could do this.

"No problem. But I need to run home." Bella was spending the night with "Alice" tonight and tomorrow was Saturday, so it wouldn't be much of a problem to get planning time in. Edward moved to pull his keys out of his pocket, "No. Jasper'll bring me. We'll be back in a half hour, don't worry. Plus you have to give us some time to plan. Human needs sleep, remember?"

I smiled slightly as we walked out to Edward's car. He had tossed me the keys right before we went out the door. The car would be the perfect place to plan. We drove in silence for a few minutes before I turned to her, "So what's the plan oh great strategist?"

"Shh. We don't talk here. Alice'll be looking right now to see how the ride goes and for what I'm going home for. Not to mention I dropped the hint that we would be talking here. We don't want our plan jeopardized do we, Major?"

My eyes widened slightly. I hadn't told her about my past. Had Edward or Alice, "Major?"

She shrugged lightly, "You seem like a military man. Major just fits. Plus we need code names!"

I about laughed as I pulled to a stop in front of her house. She bounced to the front door and up the stairs before I got a chance to close the door, "Where's Chief Swan?"

"Huh?" Her voice called from upstairs.

I made my way to her room and found her crouched over in her closet throwing various trinkets on the floor, "Where's the chief?"

"Oh. Charlie is spending the night down at the reservation. Ah! Found it!" She quickly turned around present me with a tacky looking watch.

"What's this?" I watched as she put on a matching watch.

"Spy watch. Looks crappy right? But it has a hundred foot radius. Pretty good for these things." She shrugged lightly, "Put it on. We can talk now over spaces…and such." She had a twinkle in her eye that I couldn't bring myself to deny. She had a plan and she knew it.

"Why?" I asked but I already had the piece of junk strapped to my wrist.

"Oh you'll know when you need to, Major. You are after all the action officer!" She smiled brightly.

"So I take it you're the asset. So what is the name of our bang and burn?" If we talked in code like this and Alice was listening she would have no idea what was going on. Both Alice and Edward liked the arts more than senseless entertainment as they called it. This was amazing. When Bella was turned we would totally have a spy movie marathon…and maybe war movies.

She looked speculative for a moment before smiling again, "Smile."

"We need to keep our bona fides clandestine. If we continue to speak like this we'll be better off." I nodded pointedly to her.

"Not a problem, Major." She made her way back out of the house, "We need to hurry otherwise Edward will come looking."

The car ride was filled with anticipation as we made our way back to the Cullen house, "Now I want you to watch my version of bumper-lock, but remember you can't be in the same room."

I nodded slightly, "Just don't get burned."

When we reached the house Bella immediately crossed the room into Edward's arms. He was sitting next to Alice looking sly.

"I'm going to go for a quick hunt. I'll be back in an hour or so." I took off. I could start to think of a plan when I got far enough away. I was just under 100 feet when I heard a strange sound from the watch. After putting the device up to my ear I could hear Edward and Alice coming through. They were speaking at vampire speed. Stupid creatures, they thought because I was out of the house and Bella was a human they could beat us this easily. Their plan was great, hitting us first thing in the morning. I had to admit that if I didn't hear their idea it would catch me. Bella's version of bumper-lock was amazing. We wouldn't have to worry about this now.

I hunted quickly and made my way back to the house. I listened slightly. Alice and Edward were working on their prank and had left Bella alone in the living room. I quickly ran upstairs to my library and grabbed the book I needed before walking down to sit next to Bella who was reading on the couch.

She glanced up slightly, "Stephen King?"

"Yeah. He's pretty good. Scary, but not too scary."

"I loved that his heroes are flawed."

"Yeah. He's movies aren't very good though."

"I know. I mean The Shining, such a disappointment." Her eyes were bright as she caught on to where I was going.

"Yeah and the blood didn't look very real in Carrie." I nodded slightly listening for Alice and Edward. They didn't seem to catch on at all.

"Well I guess The Langoliers wasn't too bad. Although the effects in that weren't very good."

"Stand By Me is awesome, though."

"Oh yeah. I loved River Phoenix." I nodded slightly to her statement and then lifted my book and started reading my copy of the Dark Half.

After a few minutes of her staring at me I finally asked the question that she had been hoping, "What are you reading?"

"Oh, it's this great book that Emmett gave me two weeks ago." She leaned forward to let me see the book. It was perfect. A piece of perfection.

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The next morning came quickly and I followed Alice into the kitchen as she sat down next to Edward, watching Bella walking towards the refrigerator for her breakfast.

"Jazz, can you get Bella a bowl down?" I nodded as I smiled brightly. I made my way next to Bella, standing as close as possible. I quickly retrieved the bowl and then her cereal as she pulled out the milk.

When we turned around Alice's mouth was hanging open, "How? When?"

We looked over at each other before pointing at our matching watches.

"What are those hideous things?!" Alice practically screeched more offended at the small communication devices than her prank being foiled.

"They're communication devices. That can't be allowed!" Edward looked between shocked and amazed.

"Not against the rules. You guys are out." We smiled at each other.

Alice huffed slightly, "Fine. But you guys won't be able to get us. Remember we can use our gifts in defense. You'll never get passed us! Come on Edward. Leave these schemers in here, they need the extra time to try and get us. Let's go cash in the scratch offs Jasper got me."

They left the house quickly. I knew they would take longer than necessary so they could stand outside and listen to us when they came back. Too bad they wouldn't be doing that.

After Bella finished her breakfast we made our way into the living room to wait for our significant others. An hour passed and then two. I was starting to get worried when I heard Alice yelling at me from Edward's Volvo as they drove up the drive.

I smiled brightly at Bella as she broke out into laughter. God bless Emmett. We sat back smugly as the door slammed open.

"What the hell! Do you realize the police came? Your dad came, Bella! He about arrested us. I think he would have arrested Edward if I wasn't there to talk him out of it!" Alice was absolutely fuming.

Edward just looked shocked and sullen, "He's going to hate me now. He thinks we're some type of criminals."

Bella burst out laughing, "You really tried to scan those fake scratch off cards? Did you even look at them first?! Ha! And Edward, don't worry he can't hate you any more than he already does!"

We high fived each other. "Best prank ever! We knew you saw yourself winning." I pulled out the real cards, "And that you might not check those because of your vision. If you would have just checked we would have lost and that's the exact reason you never saw it coming!" My poor wife had this coming.

We continued to laugh and slowly Edward and Alice joined is. A sudden screech brought us to a hault. Rosalie ran into the room sporting pink hair.

"Was that you guys again?" Edward laughed.

Bella looked up at me wide eyed, "No…it wasn't you?"

He sobered immediately looking at our upset sister, "No. Rose we didn't do this I swear!"

"If you guys didn't, who did?!" Her face was distorted in anger, "This isn't even 12 washes!"

"Well Jasper and I aren't that mean! We gave you wash out last time." Bella looked absolutely panicked and I had to admit Rosalie looked viciously.

"It wasn't us either!" Alice brought her hands in front of her.

"Then who?!"

Emmett's booming laughter filled the room, "That'd be me. Don't worry, babe. I love pink hair."

We all ran out of the room as Rose turned on Emmett. That was one thing I was not going to want to witness.

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**Chibi-Kari: I hope you enjoyed this other bit I added. Please remember to leave me a little review!**

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